Catherine Bayly

Still Life

I turn your photos at all angles.
Upside down, sideways, longways, backwards.
I try to get inside the layers that fade and shimmer.
Try to touch your dimensions there.
But today you are really gone.
I miss you so my heart splits, overripe.
It is not beautiful today.
It is not a sweet sadness.
It is frantic, and felt through gritted teeth.
In moments, I want to cry out the worst words.
I do it silently, mouth wide open.
Almost tearing at the edges, but no sound.
You can't hear me say those things.
And I pray you are watching me.
Knowing how I’m spilling everywhere.
And how fast I’d sew my skin to have you.
If I knew all along you would slip sweet silence,
I would swell and carry you again.
Just to have those moments of holding you.
And I would do it right then.
I would kiss you with abandon.
In the soft hollow under your chin.
I would kiss and weep into the palms of your hands.
I would know then what I know now.
That more than two years later,
It would hurt like it was yesterday.
That missing you would feel like
Organs just gone, body hot throb and hobbling.
Worse than that.
I would know that nothing feels worse.
I would know for sure that I would never be the same.
I would prepare for this agony.
I would drink your soft skin.
I would remember your baby shoulders.
I would brush your long hair.
I would dress you so gently.
I would hold you until the nurse begged to take you away, and took you when I slept.
I would photograph you from all angles.
Your places hidden from light.
Spaces between fingers, backs of knees,
Delicate skull with fissures, pursed lips that redden and redden.
I would take beautiful photographs.
So that I could never forget the way your
Neck met your baby chest.
I would plaster my house with the pictures of you.
I would show them to everyone I meet.

Written by Catherine Bayly
Sophie Salome's Mother
http://thelifespanofbutterflies.blogspot.com/

Penny Rainey

Plans

As I sit here my heart starts to break while my arms ache.
When the lines crossed on the stick I longed to feel a big kick.
But God had other plans that I still don't understand.
Why me again? Did I not suffer enough then?
Even though I know I have an angel by my side it doesn't mean I don't cry.
My love is overflowing as the tears start going.
On my cheek they rest it's too tough to forget.
But one day I will find another little miracle that makes my mind, feel calm and serene just like a good dream
And when I wake up I'll feel a tug at the strings attached from above.
You are my angel and my sunshine, you are forever mine!

By Penny Rainey
Shelby Chere', Maddy Lane & Casey Avery's Mommy

Kelly Karr

A bit of color in a dark world of grief

by Kelly Karr

Natalie & Angel Karr's Mommy

Kara LC Jones

Black White Red

Body Trace

By Kara LC Jones

Dakota & Mizuko's Mommy

"Creativity is a practice, not a perfect. I work my creativity in many ways as part of an emotional expression of life, particularly the life I am living after the deaths of my sons Dakota and Mizuko. The Body Trace piece was very much an exploration of how my relationship to my own body changed after the boys died. The Black White Red piece was from an art journal exchange I was doing with a friend, and with this piece, I was exploring what it feels like to be in the middle of traumatic experience that ends up breaking your heart...open. I share a lot of my own creative exploration on my blog at http://www.motherhenna.blogspot.com if you would like to see other works. Also, via my main http://www.MotherHenna.com site I offer ways to co-create with others such as coaching, speaking, Reiki, and readings. Many thanks to Stephanie, founder of Beauty in the Breakdown, for the opportunity to share creativity with you all here!"

Angie Yingst

She's Not An Angel

by Angie Yingst

Lucia Paz Yingst's Mommy

"I have drawn these little modified stick people with my daughter for a long time. I tell a story and begin drawing. Now that she is older, she narrates the story while I draw. They had always been happy little sketches of our family. After Lucy died, I began painting again, mostly still life in watercolor. This was the first painting I did around my grief. I wanted to turn these happy stick figures on their head, show them in our current reality. Sad stick figures. Grieving stick figures. I decided to try it with watercolor. Of course, the whimsy is that Lucy is smiling and alive. I always draw her smiling. And the saying became something of a silent response to the nurses referring to Lucy as my angel during my experience birthing her. I knew they were being kind and gentle, but I wanted to scream, 'She is not an angel. She is my baby. She is my dead baby.' Maybe I toned down the painting a bit."

Nicole Reigle

May 14, 2011

Chloe, you've been gone now,
a little over a week
I continue to grieve because
it's your heart that I seek

I haven't cried much today
tears currently frozen
they've all been for you
because you God has chosen

Everything makes me think of you
day through night
when will we be together again
please show me the light

I looked up your flower the other day
you have a bunch
guess what, one is a lily
I had a hunch

What color are your eyes? Would you like
sports or be a little dancer...
I have so many questions
all I want is some answers

I am no longer afraid to die
in fact I can't wait for that day
cause then we can be together
till then I just pray


Written by Nicole Reigle
Chloe Ann Reigle's Mommy

Kristen Bailey

Sweetpea

I had carried you for 20 weeks,

But it was way too soon to meet you.

I cried tears of pain and anger

Wondering why was this happening.

Early in the morning on December 5^th,

Your daddy and I met you.

Our sweet baby girl.

So beautiful and perfect.

Grammy wrapped you in a blanket,

And handed you to me.

I held you so close

Kissing your nose and cheeks.

You were perfect and

I didn’t want to let you go.

I had so many plans, hopes, and dreams for you.

So much had changed since Thursday.

The worst three days of my life,

But I was holding my baby girl.

The most perfect baby I had ever seen.

Would you have brown or blonde hair?

Would you be short or tall?

I wondered about all these while I held your tiny body.

And I will never know the answers,

Until I can rock my Sweetpea in Heaven.

She is my first baby.

Perfect, loved, and never to be forgotten.

I cry because I miss her, want her back,

And for the future we will never have.

I am Sweetpea’s mommy,

And she will forever be my precious baby girl.

In memory of Sweetpea Bailey

Silently born December 5, 2010

Written by her mother, Kristen Bailey

Krista Tomczak

Missing Faith

by Krista Tomczak (age 9)
Faith Tomczak's big sister

Hope Wood

You Were Meant To Live

Life is not as it should be

Blessings still abound

God is still God

Endless mounds of sorrow

Life’s constant companion

Reality has been altered

Something sacred slipped away

Two lifetimes suddenly gone

Out of reach, just beyond grasp

A grand canyon between our worlds

Faces of a family forever altered

In need of mending yet unable to see completion

Landscape of life suddenly shifted

You were meant to live alongside us all

To breathe in of earth and all that life was created to be

It is not better that you died, you were meant to live

It was not a matter of timing or for the best

Heaven was not your intended destination yet

Death is not God’s heart cry for His creation

Life is not as it should be

You were meant to live

God cries with me

He feels the grief as well

He allows death yet desires life

Such tearing in the fabric of life & family

Such cutting grief - down to the marrow

Such parting was never meant to be

Such grieving not part of His Plan

Life cut short not from need for you there

Gone not to punish

The piercing of life in a fallen world

Life is not as it should be

You were meant to live

I hear the echoes of your voices calling my name

I imagine the weight of you in my arms

I almost know the softness of your hair beneath my touch

I dream of kissing your plump cheeks and the feel of your skin

I can envision the twinkle in your eyes

Almost hear the sound of your giggles

I imagine the delight as you discover new things

I almost taste the salt of your tears

I dream of rocking you

Every song I sing is for you too

Every book I read for you as well

Every prayer carrying kisses & hugs

Every tender word uttered, all the love expressed

For all my children, in my arms or only in my heart

I stand in awe that I was chosen to carry you

Grateful for every moment

Every sensation, every movement

Every heartbeat heard

I know you know my voice still

Life is not as it should be

You were meant to live

Two unique ones, fully human, eternal souls

Cute fingers, pudgy toes

There will be no replacement with the next one

No coming back in another rounded belly

You graced my womb

You now grace the beauty of Heaven

You are real, waiting for us

You are being held and loved

These are my best comforts

Life is not as it should be

You were meant to live

Who were you meant to be?

How would you have taken up space in this life?

What would have brought you love, laughter, & tears?

Your first step, Your first word

You vanished, we grasp at shadows

How our lives have altered beyond perceiving

Our hearts broken with no lasting present repair

Forever changed

Nothing is the same as it was

Colors look different now

Fragility & significance of life painfully known

Wounds too deep for words

Aches a mommy and daddy were never meant to feel

A child is a child no matter how long they are with us

Grief is still grief, the shape of it changing with time

The healing of all wounds doesn’t happen with time

Time is not the healer or enemy

Time is simply time

Life is not what it should be

You were meant to live

Being your mommy has brought a new me

A better person for the affliction

New world of awareness

New level of expansion

Eyes wide open

Nothing taken for granted

Better only by God’s power through loss

His comforting Hand, saving grace

What buried me, what almost took my life as well

God used to create a different me, a different family

Even so, Life is not what it should ultimately be

You were meant to live

I imagine our reunion

Envision our eternal lives unfolding together

I trust in a God good enough to fill all the empty places with wholeness

Heaven holds new meanings now

The promise of knowing you fully, no stage missed

What was stolen now will be restored

The promise of a God who redeems

Who will bring new birth to all that was taken away

Reunion of siblings lost to one another oh so long

A mother’s heart forever unbroken at last

A father’s arms overflowing with no child of his missing

You were all meant to live

Life will one day be what it should be

By Hope Wood

Zoe Elizabeth Wood & Addie Kate Wood’s Mommy

Naomi N. Rogers

Mommy's lil' Angel


Up in the air you go,
Smiling down on me;
Mommy's little pilot,
My whole life through you I see.

Healthy little baby,
Daddy's little man;
Why did you leave us...
To be an angel in promised land???

So full of life,
Big hopes and Big dreams;
Loving every minute on earth with you,
Taken too early, it seems.

So as I sit here and
Feel sorry for myself;
Remembering your held by angels,
I smile,
And it helps.

The three months you were here
Were the best of my life;
For you I wish I could
Give my life as a sacrifice.

Blessed by your laughter,
And your joy,
Loving your cries...
And especially your kisses,
You beautiful baby boy.

Even though the day you left
A part of me died too;
Hunter William I CANNOT EVER forget
How much
I LOVE YOU...


by Naomi N. Rogers
Hunter William's Mommy

Michelle Froman

Alone

Lying in the dark my tears
fall down, down, down.
I feel the wetness on my face.
Then they drip down,
down into my ears
I don’t bother to wipe them away.
It’s only me, and I am free,
Free to cry.

I don’t care about the tears,
I don’t care about anything.
I just want to stay here.
Here in the dark, away,
Away and alone.

Alone from everyone,
Everyone who doesn’t care.
Everyone who’s life is the same,
Same as the day before.

Alone from the world
Where my hurt is valid,
Valid to only me.
My baby is gone,
My baby is gone, and I
Am all alone.


by Michelle Froman
Mommy to two Angels in Heaven

Michelle Froman

Safe In The Palm of His Hand
by Michelle Froman
Mommy to two angels in heaven

Ralyssa Ensinger

Numbness

Numbness, sadness, it is all I feel

Why did you have to go

I wish it were different

When we found out you were on the way

We decided to build this house for you and your siblings

Now your room sits empty

So carefully designed for you

You will never be in it

Will anyone

I don’t know for sure

I am so sad

Nothing seems real

You are always on my mind

Your name on my lips

I don’t want to “move on.”

Be strong for the ones still alive

But I miss the one who is not here

I miss him so so much

I thought with time things are supposed to get better

I miss you more everyday

I am slowly dying inside

Life is so overwhelming

I am tired of thinking

Of caring

I want you here with me

I want to hold you, to comfort you

I don’t want to be strong

It wasn’t supposed to be like this

Our family was supposed to be complete

Now I am left wondering

I wish I could promise your siblings another baby

But I know you could never be replaced

It will never be the same

I want you here with me

Why did you have to go

Numbness, sadness it is all I feel

You were my life, my future

I am so lost, so alone

It’s not getting easier

Someone wake me from this nightmare

I never thought it would hurt this bad

I never thought I would miss you so much

I don’t know what to do now

How am I supposed to live

When all I can think about is you

I wish you could have been here longer

No amount of time would have been enough

There were so many more people I wanted

To be able to meet you

There just wasn’t enough time

I wanted so much more

Numbness, sadness it is all I feel

by Ralyssa Ensinger
Evan Michael Ensinger's Mommy