Beauty In The Breakdown: Community Gallery

Catherine Bayly

2012-01-04T20:10:00.000-08:00

Still Life

I turn your photos at all angles.
Upside down, sideways, longways, backwards.
I try to get inside the layers that fade and shimmer.
Try to touch your dimensions there.
But today you are really gone.
I miss you so my heart splits, overripe.
It is not beautiful today.
It is not a sweet sadness.
It is frantic, and felt through gritted teeth.
In moments, I want to cry out the worst words.
I do it silently, mouth wide open.
Almost tearing at the edges, but no sound.
You can't hear me say those things.
And I pray you are watching me.
Knowing how I’m spilling everywhere.
And how fast I’d sew my skin to have you.
If I knew all along you would slip sweet silence,
I would swell and carry you again.
Just to have those moments of holding you.
And I would do it right then.
I would kiss you with abandon.
In the soft hollow under your chin.
I would kiss and weep into the palms of your hands.
I would know then what I know now.
That more than two years later,
It would hurt like it was yesterday.
That missing you would feel like
Organs just gone, body hot throb and hobbling.
Worse than that.
I would know that nothing feels worse.
I would know for sure that I would never be the same.
I would prepare for this agony.
I would drink your soft skin.
I would remember your baby shoulders.
I would brush your long hair.
I would dress you so gently.
I would hold you until the nurse begged to take you away, and took you when Islept.
I would photograph you from all angles.
Your places hidden from light.
Spaces between fingers, backs of knees,
Delicate skull with fissures, pursed lips that redden and redden.
I would take beautiful photographs.
So that I could never forget the way your
Neck met your baby chest.
I would plaster my house with the pictures of you.
I would show them to everyone I meet.

Written by Catherine Bayly
Sophie Salome's Mother
http://thelifespanofbutterflies.blogspot.com/

Penny Rainey

2011-08-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

Plans

As I sit here my heart starts to break while my arms ache.
When the lines crossed on the stick I longed to feel a big kick.
But God had other plans that I still don't understand.
Why me again? Did I not suffer enough then?
Even though I know I have an angel by my side it doesn't mean I don't cry.
My love is overflowing as the tears start going.
On my cheek they rest it's too tough to forget.
But one day I will find another little miracle that makes my mind, feel calm and serene just like a good dream
And when I wake up I'll feel a tug at the strings attached from above.
You are my angel and my sunshine, you are forever mine!

By Penny Rainey
Shelby Chere', Maddy Lane & Casey Avery's Mommy

Kelly Karr

2011-06-09T12:59:00.001-07:00

A bit of color in a dark world of grief

by Kelly Karr

Natalie & Angel Karr's Mommy

Kara LC Jones

2011-06-04T20:07:00.000-07:00

Black White Red

Body Trace

By Kara LC Jones

Dakota & Mizuko's Mommy

"Creativity is a practice, not a perfect. I work my creativity in many ways as part of an emotional expression of life, particularly the life I am living after the deaths of my sons Dakota and Mizuko. The Body Trace piece was very much an exploration of how my relationship to my own body changed after the boys died. The Black White Red piece was from an art journal exchange I was doing with a friend, and with this piece, I was exploring what it feels like to be in the middle of traumatic experience that ends up breaking your heart...open. I share a lot of my own creative exploration on my blog at http://www.motherhenna.blogspot.com if you would like to see other works. Also, via my main http://www.MotherHenna.com site I offer ways to co-create with others such as coaching, speaking, Reiki, and readings. Many thanks to Stephanie, founder of Beauty in the Breakdown, for the opportunity to share creativity with you all here!"

Angie Yingst

2011-05-19T20:26:00.000-07:00

She's Not An Angel

by Angie Yingst

Lucia Paz Yingst's Mommy

"I have drawn these little modified stick people with my daughter for a long time. I tell a story and begin drawing. Now that she is older, she narrates the story while I draw. They had always been happy little sketches of our family. After Lucy died, I began painting again, mostly still life in watercolor. This was the first painting I did around my grief. I wanted to turn these happy stick figures on their head, show them in our current reality. Sad stick figures. Grieving stick figures. I decided to try it with watercolor. Of course, the whimsy is that Lucy is smiling and alive. I always draw her smiling. And the saying became something of a silent response to the nurses referring to Lucy as my angel during my experience birthing her. I knew they were being kind and gentle, but I wanted to scream, 'She is not an angel. She is my baby. She is my dead baby.' Maybe I toned down the painting a bit."

Nicole Reigle

2011-05-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

May 14, 2011

Chloe, you've been gone now,
a little over a week
I continue to grieve because
it's your heart that I seek

I haven't cried much today
tears currently frozen
they've all been for you
because you God has chosen

Everything makes me think of you
day through night
when will we be together again
please show me the light

I looked up your flower the other day
you have a bunch
guess what, one is a lily
I had a hunch

What color are your eyes? Would you like
sports or be a little dancer...
I have so many questions
all I want is some answers

I am no longer afraid to die
in fact I can't wait for that day
cause then we can be together
till then I just pray

Written by Nicole Reigle
Chloe Ann Reigle's Mommy

Kristen Bailey

2011-02-07T17:37:00.001-08:00

Sweetpea

I had carried you for 20 weeks,

But it was way too soon to meet you.

I cried tears of pain and anger

Wondering why was this happening.

Early in the morning on December 5^th,

Your daddy and I met you.

Our sweet baby girl.

So beautiful and perfect.

Grammy wrapped you in a blanket,

And handed you to me.

I held you so close

Kissing your nose and cheeks.

You were perfect and

I didn’t want to let you go.

I had so many plans, hopes, and dreams for you.

So much had changed since Thursday.

The worst three days of my life,

But I was holding my baby girl.

The most perfect baby I had ever seen.

Would you have brown or blonde hair?

Would you be short or tall?

I wondered about all these while I held your tiny body.

And I will never know the answers,

Until I can rock my Sweetpea in Heaven.

She is my first baby.

Perfect, loved, and never to be forgotten.

I cry because I miss her, want her back,

And for the future we will never have.

I am Sweetpea’s mommy,

And she will forever be my precious baby girl.

In memory of Sweetpea Bailey

Silently born December 5, 2010

Written by her mother, Kristen Bailey

Krista Tomczak

2011-01-11T12:56:00.001-08:00

Missing Faith

by Krista Tomczak (age 9)
Faith Tomczak's big sister

Hope Wood

2010-10-27T12:34:00.000-07:00

You Were Meant To Live

Life is not as it should be

Blessings still abound

God is still God

Endless mounds of sorrow

Life’s constant companion

Reality has been altered

Something sacred slipped away

Two lifetimes suddenly gone

Out of reach, just beyond grasp

A grand canyon between our worlds

Faces of a family forever altered

In need of mending yet unable to see completion

Landscape of life suddenly shifted

You were meant to live alongside us all

To breathe in of earth and all that life was created to be

It is not better that you died, you were meant to live

It was not a matter of timing or for the best

Heaven was not your intended destination yet

Death is not God’s heart cry for His creation

Life is not as it should be

You were meant to live

God cries with me

He feels the grief as well

He allows death yet desires life

Such tearing in the fabric of life & family

Such cutting grief - down to the marrow

Such parting was never meant to be

Such grieving not part of His Plan

Life cut short not from need for you there

Gone not to punish

The piercing of life in a fallen world

Life is not as it should be

You were meant to live

I hear the echoes of your voices calling my name

I imagine the weight of you in my arms

I almost know the softness of your hair beneath my touch

I dream of kissing your plump cheeks and the feel of your skin

I can envision the twinkle in your eyes

Almost hear the sound of your giggles

I imagine the delight as you discover new things

I almost taste the salt of your tears

I dream of rocking you

Every song I sing is for you too

Every book I read for you as well

Every prayer carrying kisses & hugs

Every tender word uttered, all the love expressed

For all my children, in my arms or only in my heart

I stand in awe that I was chosen to carry you

Grateful for every moment

Every sensation, every movement

Every heartbeat heard

I know you know my voice still

Life is not as it should be

You were meant to live

Two unique ones, fully human, eternal souls

Cute fingers, pudgy toes

There will be no replacement with the next one

No coming back in another rounded belly

You graced my womb

You now grace the beauty of Heaven

You are real, waiting for us

You are being held and loved

These are my best comforts

Life is not as it should be

You were meant to live

Who were you meant to be?

How would you have taken up space in this life?

What would have brought you love, laughter, & tears?

Your first step, Your first word

You vanished, we grasp at shadows

How our lives have altered beyond perceiving

Our hearts broken with no lasting present repair

Forever changed

Nothing is the same as it was

Colors look different now

Fragility & significance of life painfully known

Wounds too deep for words

Aches a mommy and daddy were never meant to feel

A child is a child no matter how long they are with us

Grief is still grief, the shape of it changing with time

The healing of all wounds doesn’t happen with time

Time is not the healer or enemy

Time is simply time

Life is not what it should be

You were meant to live

Being your mommy has brought a new me

A better person for the affliction

New world of awareness

New level of expansion

Eyes wide open

Nothing taken for granted

Better only by God’s power through loss

His comforting Hand, saving grace

What buried me, what almost took my life as well

God used to create a different me, a different family

Even so, Life is not what it should ultimately be

You were meant to live

I imagine our reunion

Envision our eternal lives unfolding together

I trust in a God good enough to fill all the empty places with wholeness

Heaven holds new meanings now

The promise of knowing you fully, no stage missed

What was stolen now will be restored

The promise of a God who redeems

Who will bring new birth to all that was taken away

Reunion of siblings lost to one another oh so long

A mother’s heart forever unbroken at last

A father’s arms overflowing with no child of his missing

You were all meant to live

Life will one day be what it should be

By Hope Wood

Zoe Elizabeth Wood & Addie Kate Wood’s Mommy

Naomi N. Rogers

2010-10-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

Mommy's lil' Angel

Up in the air you go,
Smiling down on me;
Mommy's little pilot,
My whole life through you I see.

Healthy little baby,
Daddy's little man;
Why did you leave us...
To be an angel in promised land???

So full of life,
Big hopes and Big dreams;
Loving every minute on earth with you,
Taken too early, it seems.

So as I sit here and
Feel sorry for myself;
Remembering your held by angels,
I smile,
And it helps.

The three months you were here
Were the best of my life;
For you I wish I could
Give my life as a sacrifice.

Blessed by your laughter,
And your joy,
Loving your cries...
And especially your kisses,
You beautiful baby boy.

Even though the day you left
A part of me died too;
Hunter William I CANNOT EVER forget
How much
I LOVE YOU...

by Naomi N. Rogers
Hunter William's Mommy

Michelle Froman

2010-10-08T07:41:00.000-07:00

Alone

Lying in the dark my tears
fall down, down, down.
I feel the wetness on my face.
Then they drip down,
down into my ears
I don’t bother to wipe them away.
It’s only me, and I am free,
Free to cry.

I don’t care about the tears,
I don’t care about anything.
I just want to stay here.
Here in the dark, away,
Away and alone.

Alone from everyone,
Everyone who doesn’t care.
Everyone who’s life is the same,
Same as the day before.

Alone from the world
Where my hurt is valid,
Valid to only me.
My baby is gone,
My baby is gone, and I
Am all alone.

by Michelle Froman
Mommy to two Angels in Heaven

Michelle Froman

2010-09-29T21:22:00.000-07:00

Safe In The Palm of His Hand
by Michelle Froman
Mommy to two angels in heaven

Ralyssa Ensinger

2010-09-16T18:36:00.001-07:00

Numbness

Numbness, sadness, it is all I feel

Why did you have to go

I wish it were different

When we found out you were on the way

We decided to build this house for you and your siblings

Now your room sits empty

So carefully designed for you

You will never be in it

Will anyone

I don’t know for sure

I am so sad

Nothing seems real

You are always on my mind

Your name on my lips

I don’t want to “move on.”

Be strong for the ones still alive

But I miss the one who is not here

I miss him so so much

I thought with time things are supposed to get better

I miss you more everyday

I am slowly dying inside

Life is so overwhelming

I am tired of thinking

Of caring

I want you here with me

I want to hold you, to comfort you

I don’t want to be strong

It wasn’t supposed to be like this

Our family was supposed to be complete

Now I am left wondering

I wish I could promise your siblings another baby

But I know you could never be replaced

It will never be the same

I want you here with me

Why did you have to go

Numbness, sadness it is all I feel

You were my life, my future

I am so lost, so alone

It’s not getting easier

Someone wake me from this nightmare

I never thought it would hurt this bad

I never thought I would miss you so much

I don’t know what to do now

How am I supposed to live

When all I can think about is you

I wish you could have been here longer

No amount of time would have been enough

There were so many more people I wanted

To be able to meet you

There just wasn’t enough time

I wanted so much more

Numbness, sadness it is all I feel

by Ralyssa Ensinger
Evan Michael Ensinger's Mommy

Ralyssa Ensinger

2010-09-15T19:29:00.000-07:00

Double Stroller

I took a walk today with your brother and sisters

As I walked up the hill, I pictured myself pushing a double stroller with you in it

I pictured your tiny face looking back at me

This is not how it is supposed to be

Instead I push a single stroller with just your sister

by Ralyssa Ensinger

Evan Michael Ensinger's Mommy

Ralyssa Ensinger

2010-09-15T19:24:00.000-07:00

April 22, 2010

My dearest Evan Michael

We found out just the other day

That you are not here to stay

You will live with the Lord for all your days

We will not get to watch you grow and play

We told your brother and sisters tonight

They seemed to take it alright

“He’ll be an angel” is what Breana said

I will carry you in my womb for now

Because you are safe there but Lord please show me how

You will be saved from a world filled with despair

But oh how I will miss you being there

So for now we just wait for the day

For when you will be born & taken away

It will be hard I am sure

But I will love you forever and more

by Ralyssa Ensinger

Evan Michael Ensinger's Mommy

Andrea Guffey

2010-08-06T11:30:00.000-07:00

Shattered Dreams
By Andrea Guffey
Gabriel Leonard & Jacob David's Mommy
"This is about the loss of my twin boys at 20 weeks due to incompetent cervix. They were born perfect but too little to survive on March 27, 2010. I miss them."

Stephanie Wade

2010-08-06T11:21:00.001-07:00

Yesterday, July 24th, marked 3 months since Sybella's birth and death.

3 months since my life stopped
3 months since I took a breath
3 months since my heart broke

3 months since I saw pure innocence

3 months of tears
3 months of anger
3 months of fear
3 months of guilt

3 months on a rollercoaster

3 months of love
3 months of being a mother of two

Written by Stephanie Wade
Sybella Eve Wade's Mommy

Lori L. Clark

2010-07-20T11:12:00.000-07:00

Facade

“Childless mother,” my soft

soliloquy

Sorrow’s dark tether

binds tightly my heart

Longing forever, him

“not meant to be”

Unwelcome words the

unwise did impart

Outside world passes time

slows gradually

Façade falls, to bare

a soul come apart

Arms wrapped round my middle

keening solemnly

Once painted visage

now tear streaked, like art

Dark-mind weaves dreams that

my eyes can’t see

New day arises

again I must start

Apply social face, dim

reality

Pretend I’ve moved on,

conceal aching heart

by Lori L. Clark

Asher Brennan Clark's Mommy

Lori L. Clark

2010-07-13T12:59:00.000-07:00

Due Date

Today my son was not born.

I do not gaze upon a child

filled with a mother’s wonder

I do not hold in sweet embrace

a new life, soft and tender

I do not touch a tiny hand

or kiss on precious feet

I do not stroke a furrowed brow

or nuzzle rounded cheek

My arms…they ache with empty

My heart lies opened, raw and torn

Love delivered to me my sorrow

For today, my son…he was not born

I dream of what was…but isn’t

Long planned for, has long passed

My every day’s companion...

gravid memory, held fast

by Lori L. Clark

Asher Brennan Clark's Mommy

Angie Yingst

2010-07-01T10:27:00.001-07:00

I DREAMED YOU ONCE
by Angie Yingst
Lucia Paz Yingst's Mommy

Angie Yingst

2010-07-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

SIX PRAYERS
by Angie Yingst
Lucia Paz Yingst's Mommy
"This is my first mizuko jizo painting
and it is a prayer I did for my daughter."

Jamie White

2010-04-27T07:23:00.000-07:00

Love, Peace, Sadness, Grief, and a Little Pink Flower

Every time you did cartwheels, my heart skipped a beat.
Every time I prepare my heart for you to do a cartwheel, and you don't,
my heart skips two.

Written by Jamie White
Miah Anne Colvin's Mommy

Kellie Harcourt

2009-10-28T18:31:00.000-07:00

Glass

I don’t recognize myself in the mirror

Everything’s changed

Nothing seems clear

My eyes are always sad… they’ve lost their light

My body’s aged from this plight

The grief envelops me to my core

I don’t care to breathe anymore

I’ve lost my purpose and my son

I barely get anything done

I struggle to get out of bed …let alone make it

To study for my exam…let alone take it

Most days I’m a disaster

I lack passion; trust…..and I miss the laughter

I’m focused on ways to honor Remi

Maybe a beautiful urn or a flowering tree

There’s just so many

I hope someday this depth of sorrow will pass

So I’ll know the lady who’s looking back from the glass

by Kellie Harcourt
Remington Finn Harcourt's Mommy

Kellie Harcourt

2009-10-28T18:30:00.000-07:00

Numb

You were our future

The best of what would come

I can’t see it anymore

I feel too numb

Nothing seems real

Are you really gone

It’s been two months now

And two months too long

I look at your prints

And examine your things

I don’t really care

About life in between

Your bed is beside me

Every night without fail

Your ashes lie in it

This is my Hell

Sympathy cards displayed

Through out our home

As sweet as the notion

We’re here alone

Your Nursery was ready

With comfort and surprises

I get lost in there

It wasn’t meant to be lifeless

Was this your destiny

Just nine months with me

Or was something wrong

Something no one could see

I question this daily

And hourly it seems

I want you here in my arms

Not just in my dreams

by Kellie Harcourt

Remington Finn Harcourt's Mommy

Kellie Harcourt

2009-10-28T18:28:00.000-07:00

Two Months

I don’t know why you had to go

The greater reason I’ll never know

My heart is shattered beyond repair

My body cries in despair

Remi you changed my life forever

I always pray we’ll be together

I’m your Mother for all time

Your heart it lives on in mine

You r life was lost inside of me

I know now your soul is free

Consumed by you I’m paralyzed

I often wonder if I’ll survive

Today you’d be two months old

I long for you but you’ll never know

I imagine what you’d be like now

Golden hair blue eyes or are they brown

The things we’d be doing if given the chance

The pain of your absence leads to a trance

I’d hug and kiss you maybe more than I should

I’d love and teach you all that I could

Instead I’m trapped in a revolving door

With thoughts that lie too deep for words

by Kellie Harcourt

Remington Finn Harcourt's Mommy

Rachel Simon

2009-09-01T17:45:00.000-07:00

Drowning in the Ocean

I want to swim away from myself

But I can’t seem to find my arms and legs

Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in the ocean

No life preserver, no snorkel gear, no scuba diving regs

Let the waves come crashing down

Wash over me, give me finality

Let it clear me of my pain, absolve me

Take me away from this harsh reality

I’m weighted down by all my sorrow

I scramble to keep my head above water

Do I surrender or do I struggle

There’s only one way I’ll see my daughter

It’s such a cold and lonely place

Frigid water seeps into my nose and ears

My body aches for solid ground

Instead I’m left here to drown in my fears

But I forge ahead, I look around directionless

No guiding light to bring me home

I search for anything, a sound, an object

In perpetual darkness I’m left to roam

There is no happy ending to this, I know

More pain and torture is certain

I’m treading for my life in vain

Forever trapped behind this dark, heavy curtain

By Rachel Simon

Shiloh Jayden Simon's Mommy

Unspoken Sisterhood

There is an unspoken sisterhood
A group of women with babies born still
Those who’ve made it through
Those who’ve had the will
We are strong, perseverant and determined
That is without a doubt
But we are no longer whole
We’re brokenhearted and empty throughout
We’re driven to find others who can understand our pain
The turn our lives have taken being so unplanned
We’re overwhelmed with confusion and questions
Yes, we’ve been dealt a raw hand
We thought we’d be fulfilled and joyful
Getting little babies to bring home
But in the blink of an eye, we’re empty-handed
Altered paths we’re left to roam
Now we seek the answers to questions unthought-of
Not researching the assumed baby rashes and remedies
With the Internet as our source
Instead we read blog after blog of dead babies
So it’s this way that we learn of each other
Through websites, blogs and notes
Otherwise complete strangers
With an experience of which we cannot gloat
It may sound strange to others
But about our loss we can freely talk
In each other we seek comfort, support, a shoulder on which to cry
You can’t fully comprehend until in our footsteps you walk
It’s like we’ve known one another all of our lives
And we realize there’s only one side to this coin
This is why we are so thankful for each other
But truthfully, this is a sisterhood you never want to join

By Rachel Simon
Shiloh Jayden Simon's Mommy

You Come Back to Me

Every night

You seem to come back to me

As your insect of choice

An ant, a spider, a moth, a bee.

You sit on the wall at night

Ushering me into sleep

Or visit me in the shower

Along the ceiling you creep.

I can walk along the beach

And find you beneath the sand

Or on a warm, moist night

Landing so gracefully on my hand.

I can grab a piece of fruit

And see you hovering nearby

So small and meek

Today you’re a fruit fly.

Even in the dead of winter

When no bug is in sight,

A butterfly flies behind me

All nimbly and bright.

I see you now,

Peering at me with so many eyes,

Who would have thought

You could live so many lives.

Yes, everywhere I go,

A four or six-legged creature follows

I can’t help but think that it’s you,

So in your memory I wallow.

You’re always here with me, Shiloh

In one way or another

And it’s so funny to feel

Like an insect’s mother!

But I’ve come to love

These special visits from you at night

Because you are the last thing I touch, I see

Before I turn out the light.

By Rachel Simon

Shiloh Jayden Simon's Mommy

(www.thenewsimons.com)

Donna Aurora

2009-05-15T19:42:00.001-07:00

Dear Mommy, on Mother's Day

You have created every part of me; You put me together in my mother’s womb…When I was growing there in secret, You knew that I was there. Psalm 139:13-18

Today I celebrate you mommy, but I do this from up above;
I know this day is sad for you, but may it be full of Love.
You need not worry for I am safe in God’s warm embrace,
I am happy here and play all day with all my angel friends.
As you sit and cry in daddy’s arms, some may not comprehend
That your tender heart will forever miss the child you grieve, that’s me!
But know that you are a mom, MY mommy you will always be...

On this day it may feel cold when others seem not to care;
I wish I could take away the lasting pain you seem to bear.
I cherished every day we had and if you only knew,
The kicks and flutters you often felt were the feet and tiny wings I grew.

When you close your eyes at night and begin to dream,
Know that I am with you, though I cannot be seen.
Feel the little kisses on your cheek, and listen to the prayers that I speak;
And in the stillness of your heart, hear my wee voice sing,
Songs of love and peacefulness mark the gifts I bring.
Know that I wait at heaven’s gate patiently for you and dad,
We’ll all be together again, so try not to be too sad.

Thank you for giving me the gift of life, and taking good care of me,
On this Mother’s Day remember that I Love You for Eternity

by Donna Aurora
Baby Keaton Dominic's Mommy

Heather Westphal

2009-05-15T19:41:00.002-07:00

No Whisper

Sweet baby, you tip-toed in and out so quietly, your life but a whisper in this world.
Such a tiny hand that left an enormous imprint on this heart.
My first son, how quickly we did part.
A lifetime of love I have for you, now trapped in this heart that breaks a million times each day.
Your eyes; a beauty I’ll never see, your cries; music for no ones ears and your smile is for God alone to enjoy.
Sweet baby, you tip-toed in and out so quietly, but your life was no whisper in Mommy’s world.

By Heather Westphal
Logan Westphal's Mommy

Paula Kay Wright

2009-05-15T19:41:00.001-07:00

Silence

Silence deafens my ears, oh how I long to hear your cry

Gone too soon, it just isn’t right.

I should hear your coos and sighs,

Your laughter, your scream.

Instead I scream out into the Silence,

Where is my baby, why are you gone!
Why did you leave your mother here alone?

Why were you taken from me?

I would love to hear you right now,

In this moment of pain,

I would love to hear you cry out to me,

To comfort you and ease your pain.

My life should not be silent,

It should be full of noise, baby noises.

Oh how the Silence deafens my heart, my soul.

It cuts the air like a knife right into my chest.

It pierces through me like a sharp cold edge,

It razors into my mind.

Will I ever escape this Silence?

Or will I always be a captive within it.

By Paula Kay Wright

Lauren Kay Wright's Mommy

Leanna Reeves

2009-05-15T19:40:00.002-07:00

Endless Mommy Love

A mommy’s love is endless

It reaches out of bounds.

I’d like to think it soars up to

The angels in the clouds.

Our baby boy is way up there

Watching over us.

I hope he knows his mommy’s love

Although we cannot touch.

I held you in my arms that day

And watched you as you slept.

I longed to hear your perfect cry,

I held you and I wept.

I cried because we would not share,

So many memories.

I cried because you had to go

And fly with angel wings.

I miss your body

Your heart, your soul

Growing inside of me

I miss your life within my life

I miss what we used to be.

Why couldn’t we bring you home that day,

Everything was done.

Now your crib sits empty,

Your teddy bears alone.

Our family feels incomplete,

Because you are not here.

We ache for our sweet Nicholas,

Please tell me that you’re near.

I pray for peace every day

And deep inside I know,

That love has a way of healing us,

That our love will only grow.

by Leanna Reeves

Nicholas Warren Reeves' Mommy

Amy McCarter

2009-05-15T19:40:00.001-07:00

"A portrait of my physical and emotional pain after Liam's death."

Grief Filled Breasts
by Amy McCarter
Liam McCarter's Mommy

Leanna Reeves

2009-05-15T19:39:00.000-07:00

Nicholas' Touch

Your soul, it touched my heart today,

Like it has many times before.

It feels so real, just like you’re here

I ache to feel it more.

Your time with us was much too short

But an impact you have made.

Our lives have changed, our views have too

Our memories won’t fade.

You were given to us for a reason too deep

For anyone to understand.

I believe you came into our lives

So we could forever feel your hand.

Sometimes I cry because we lost you

And other times I smile.

Because I know deep in my heart

You’re with us all the while.

I’ll always remember your smell, your touch

Those kicks that made me squirm.

You were so strong and brave my boy

Those feelings again, I yearn.

We forever have an Angel now,

Someone to watch over us.

I guess that makes us the lucky ones

In that I have to trust.

My comfort is that you went without pain

And although I miss you so.

My heart, my life is full of love

For our boy we had to let go.

They say things happen as they should

“Life works out for the best”.

I don’t believe that “they” were forced

To face the ultimate test.

Losing a child at any stage

Tests a mommy’s soul.

The pain, it reaches much too deep

It doesn’t leave her whole.

For part of me went with you,

And part of me will stay.

To be a mommy to your brother’s

There is no other way.

I hold them both much closer now,

For you have taught me how.

To see life as a special gift,

That we should live within the now.

I love you buddy

So much it hurts

And that love will continue to grow.

I must believe that there will be one day

We’ll meet again and know…

Your soul, it touched my heart today,

That I know for sure.

I cherish those times we come so close,

For my heart begins to soar.

Please know, my love

You will always be

Ingrained in all we do.

You touched our lives like a precious gift,

That precious gift is you.

by Leanna Reeves

Nicholas Warren Reeves' Mommy

Caitsmom

2009-05-15T19:38:00.000-07:00

Our Family
by Caitlin's Mommy

Wendy Martinez

2009-05-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

Wade's Garden

Wade, Wade, my precious Son Wade, why does your garden grow……

Through unknown and unfair reasons in a mother’s womb.

Through an untimely birth that shortens proper development.

Through a thief that steals a baby’s breath while they sleep.

Through sickness and disease that robs a young ones health and takes their life.

Through acts of nature that take many lives at one time.

Through freak accidents that are unforeseen.

Through reckless and drunk driving (these are not accidents).

Through the hands of evildoers that take another's life in their own hands.

And even through one’s own hands that decide they no longer want to be here.

Your garden; is a garden I wish never was.
Sadly it is, and tragically it will grow. Son, I want you to know, you are not alone, for there are other Angels among you. And at their parent’s wish, their Names and Memories will share a place with you in your garden. I will lovingly and faithfully tend your garden for as long as I live.
Love, Mom

by Wendy Martinez
R. Wade Propst's Mom

Kara Jones

2009-05-15T19:36:00.001-07:00

For those uninitiated into the surreal world of stillbirth, the Womb Book often perplexes them. The feminists at first think I'm making some cool woman-power statement, until they hear it is about stillbirth which enters the realm of “fetus” for them and makes them run away from me. The religious crowd at first thinks I'm making some big pro-lifer statement, until they hear that I believe in all choices; that all women should have support no matter the outcome of their pregnancy.

But when another stillbirth mother sees the Womb Book, especially when the red string is tangled around the cut out of the little book (the baby), they “get it” immediately. They hold the book gingerly. They tenderly unravel the little book, and with eyes of love, they open the accordion of tissue thin paper to reveal the hand-stamped content. Their interactions with the book are visceral. Hearts crack open and tears flow.

Though I do have to say, there is one situation in which a stillbirth mother will often react badly to the Womb Book. The very, recently bereaved mom. If her baby has died just weeks ago, it sometimes is the case that she is still in shock. She is still repelled by her new reality. She does not want to embrace any of this new version of life. And really, who in their right mind would want to touch any part of this grief? But so, in the case of the very, newly bereaved stillbirth mom, sometimes the Womb Book is too raw for her. Too much of the reality she is still hoping would just go away. Too much reality when she's spending all her rage and grief hoping to wake up from this nightmare. In this situation, I often tell the mother and/or the people around her to let the experience be put away for a while. Let her reject her experience with the Womb Book because she knows what is best for her just now. Grief is an odd thing. With the experience of the Womb Book put away, shoved aside, there remains a seed. One day later – 6 days later or 6 years later or 60 years later – she will touch on that seed and find something there. This is how grief works. Mysteriously, always evolving. There simply is no prescription for how to do this.

So the Womb Book remains a tool for use, not a prescription for resolution. And there is the gem of all expressive art. It remains a source for possible care, but it is not a cure. Because after all, though we need a lot of care to weather grief's storm, we are not interested in being cured of the love we have for our child.

WOMB BOOK
by KARA LC JONES
Dakota Jones' Mommy
www.MotherHenna.com
www.KotaPress.blogspot.com

Kahlilia Woodlon

2009-05-15T19:35:00.001-07:00

M.I.S.S. Logo Sculpture
by Kahlilia Woodlon
MIRACLE's Mommy

Karla Helbert

2009-05-15T19:34:00.002-07:00

MY JAR OF MARBLES

See the jar on the shelf, inviting, reviled.
See the sunlight glint off glass—the vessel, its contents, glisten.
See it tumble, twinkling, end over end.
See it smash to the floor—smashing, crashing—scattered about the floor.

Bits of pain—colored and black and clear,
Swirls of brightness and darkness curled within each tiny globe
(my jar) (my heart)
Each bit of roundness ripe with shiny hardness.

Stand still. Don’t walk among them for fear of falling—or
Skate atop them, sail along their bumpy, transient surface.
Mind the shards, mind the sharps—or
Stop. Stand still. Look. Patterns there in the moving glass, marbles in motion.

Bend low. Touch each one. Hold each one. Caress each one.
Put as many as can possibly fit in my mouth and
spit them as hard as I can at a random target!
Take them out. Turn them over in my palm. Squeeze them tight between my fingers.

Hold the jar close. Raise it overhead, bring it down hard.
Smash the glass. Lose my marbles.
Find them again and gather them up, one by each shiny one.
Wash each cherished bit of hardness in salt tears.

Polish each with the soft cotton of my shirt.
Place each by each, slowly, carefully, back into the jar.
Place the jar (my jar) (my heart)
Carefully, carefully back on the shelf.

Tomorrow I may gaze
Tomorrow I may avert my eyes.
Tomorrow I may take it down again—hold it close—or—
Tomorrow I may drop it, tumbling to the floor.

Or maybe the next day.
Or the next.
And perhaps,
Again the next.

by Karla Helbert
Thelonius Luther Helbert Fueglein's Mommy

Amy McCarter

2009-05-15T19:34:00.001-07:00

Search my face and you will see Liam is here with me.
Look closely, he is the hidden tear in my eye.
As I laugh he is the curve of my smile.
When you listen, he is the quiet whisper behind each word I speak.
He is the angel lying on my chest, rising and falling with each breath.
When you watch, he is the thought that takes me far away from the moment
If you know me, you will see him.
Liam is in my heart to be seen by those willing to look.

by Amy McCarter
Liam McCarter's Mommy

The tears I shed will not bring back my son,
But could they awaken my sleeping heart
as the rain does the parched earth?

Could my tears find the life left in my heart
as the rain found life in the dying grass?

by Amy McCarter
Liam McCarter's Mommy

Liam is my Autumn
He is the burst of life just before quiet death
The radiant color of fall just before stark winter
Liam is the comforting scents of cinnamon, cloves and pumpkin
The familiar sorrow of the lowering sun
Liam is the gentle breeze that whispers in my ear
The swirl of a falling leaf
He is the soft scarf and hat that keep me warm
Liam is my season to remember life passes quickly into winter's cold realm

by Amy McCarter
Liam McCarter's Mommy

There you are, in the space that is no longer
The place that was yours and now gone
In the light that mingles with dark
Your story drifting on the silent current of sorrow
Dancing in the magical twilight sun
I feel you though my eyes can not see
You are the dream that once was and should have been
You are my love for all time
My Hope
Inspiration
You are Liam

by Amy McCarter
Liam McCarter's Mommy

Carly Dudley

2009-05-15T19:32:00.000-07:00

CHRISTIAN'S OCEAN
Carly Dudley
Christian Dudley's Mommy

BEAUTY- THE HIDDEN SIDE OF GRIEF
Carly Dudley
Christian Dudley's Mommy

Traci Ford

2009-05-15T19:31:00.001-07:00

UNFINISHED HEART
Traci Ford
Caleb Ford's Mommy
"This represents how our lives are intertwined
as a family forever, and how our hearts are
not complete without Caleb here with us."

EMPTY ARMS
Traci Ford
Caleb Ford's Mommy
"This represents the emptiness I feel
after my loss and how badly I want
to have a baby to take care of."

Cary-Ann Hirshovitz

2009-05-15T19:30:00.000-07:00

A GRIEVING MOTHER

...Is a strange thing

Tears greet her mornings

Sighs say goodnight

Her baby’s face is the wallpaper of her life

Longing to see it blink, smile, cry

But it doesnt move

Frozen in the past - a photograph

Or worse, a fading memory

Consuming pain when will it go

A Grieving Mother

It's a permanent mark on her broken heart

No one wants to be her

Women say 'Let this cup pass me by'

But for A Grieving Mother

The cup has not passed her by

Bitter tasting

Stomach churning

Tears producing

Crying and wailing

Like little green shoots out of a volcanic flow

Hope squeezes through the torn parts of her heart

Perhaps she'll only drink from this cup once

Please Lord let it be so

By Cary-Ann Hirshovitz

Rachel Hirshovitz's Mommy

Des Mitchell

2009-05-15T19:29:00.002-07:00

BELOVED
Des Mitchell
Rachel Hirshovitz's Grandmother
A portrait of Cary-Ann and her sweet daughter Rachel

Crystal Masters

2009-05-15T19:29:00.001-07:00

WAITING

You are supposed to be here with me
But you are long gone
You left me in the spring and I’m still not sure why
I have to believe that it wasn’t because of me
But I don’t know.

What if I had done something differently?
What if, is all I know.
I think about you daily and wish that you were here
I want to hold you in my arms and stroke your soft newborn hair
I want to teach you all the things that Mommy’s teach their baby
But I know I have to wait.

Wait. Wait. I have to wait.
How long will it be? It will take a life time.
I have to live my life and care for the children that God has given me
Your older sister and younger brother still need me
There are many days where I want to give up
I’m tired of waiting. I want to hold you in my arms
But the mother in me says wait, care for your babies here.

I feel guilty for getting pregnant again
I feel like I abandoned you
Like I gave away the space in me that was yours.
That is not the case.
You will always hold a piece of my heart.
I will always have love for you.
I will never forget you.
You are irreplaceable.
I love you.

By Crystal Masters
Baby Alex’s Mommy

Kate McBride

2009-05-15T19:27:00.002-07:00

SKYE'S SUNSET
Kate McBride
Skye McBride's Mommy
"The sunset on Skye's due date was
one of the best I have ever seen."

SKYE

The wind speaks to me

my Skye is in the wind now

whispering, "mommy"

The emptiness came

everything became dark

please bring back the light

spirit came to me

I am not alone anymore

spirit sang to me

nighttime brings more tears

tears,fears,sadness fell on me

glimpses, God is here, Be still

longing and hoping

my heart aches and wonders why?

she came so briefly

I saw your figure

so sweet, so perfect, so there

suddenly you're gone

was there any pain?

I felt so much pain and loss

I pray you felt none.

By Kate McBride

Skye McBride's Mommy

Mike Miller

2009-05-15T19:27:00.001-07:00

DREAMS COME TRUE
Mike Miller
Abby Mae Miller's Daddy

Beth Gauthier

2009-05-15T19:25:00.002-07:00

Untitled
Beth Gauthier
Mark Gauthier's Mommy

Joanna Hurtt

2009-05-15T19:25:00.001-07:00

Life Without

Why does time have to pass? Why did she have to go in the first place? She lives forever in me, though that is not good enough. I fight to get her back, though that is futile. I dream of her not only in my arms, but in my life. I think of her and smile and then a tear falls. Wish I could say it were a tear of excitement.

Where did she go? Why did she go? She was a fighter, but she did not make it. I wish I could have fought for her, but I didn't even know I needed to.

I want to see her. I want to know she is alive and well. Maybe in heaven I will get that chance. I sit and write in awe. This shouldn't even be my life. Yeah, my life. My life without Jolie.

By Joanna Hurtt
Jolie Hurtt’s Mommy

Ginette Cole

2009-05-15T19:24:00.002-07:00

ONE SMALL LIFE
Ginette Cole
Madeline Cole's Memere
Each name is a person whose life
was touched by Madeline

Donna Kulfan

2009-05-15T19:24:00.001-07:00

Searching

I search for you but I can't find you
I seek you but you aren't here
My eyes scan each corner
But why do I search
My feet stumble quicker, quicker
But why
I know you're not here
My heart knows where you are
It reaches deep inside and touches you
My soul feels your presence
Every moment
Yet my eyes, they seek
My hands, they search
All I find as I scan the corner
Is your crib
Waiting
Waiting for a tiny body to snuggle beneath its covers
Waiting for bouncy legs anxious to climb out
Stretching arms, sleepy eyes, tousled hair
I seek but I know where you are
It waits but you're cradled in my heart.

By Donna Kulfan
Madeline Cole's Grandma

Christopher Kulfan

2009-05-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

NIGHTMARE

Christopher Kulfan

Madeline Cole's uncle

“Before Madeline was born, when everything was still

fine, I had a dream that my dad (who died 2 years ago)

was holding her on one side of the street near a tunnel,

and that the rest of my family was on the other side trying

to get her back, but we weren’t able to get across. It was awful, but what is worse is how is pretty much came true."

Samantha Kulfan

2009-05-15T19:21:00.000-07:00

UNTITLED

Samantha Kulfan

Madeline Cole's aunt

"This smashed-up flower pot represents my

smashed-up life. The flowers in the center are

my family; they are all there but you can’t see them

or tell what they are because they aren’t all still here.

Just like this pot, my life is broken. You can try to fix

it but it will never be whole again. It will never work

the way it used to. We might try to act normal but the

pieces aren’t even all facing the right way, never mind

the missing ones. It is not a normal flower pot, and this

is not a normal life. In a normal life I would have my niece

and this stupid flowerpot could still hold flowers, soil and

water.... and not just end up making a puddle on the floor."

Nick Wilberg

2009-05-15T19:19:00.000-07:00

ALONE

Nick Wilberg

Gabriel Wilberg's Daddy

“My wife didn’t want this sketch exhibited, because she looks so aged, but it is a true look at a mother left alone, her arms empty."

BABY ANGEL

Nick Wilberg

Gabriel Wilberg's Daddy

Zac Wilberg

2009-05-15T19:17:00.000-07:00

Zac Wilberg, age 6

Gabriel Wilberg's big brother

Zac's mother asked him to sketch how he thought

his baby brother was today and this was his answer.

Such a happy, sweet little boy.

Abby Wilberg

2009-05-15T19:12:00.000-07:00

Abby Wilberg, age 9

Gabriel Wilberg's big sister

In church one day Abby was sitting next

to her mother sketching these little angels.

They are so cheerful and hopeful,

and some of her mother's favorites.